How to Be Less Awkward (and What to Say When It Happens Anyway)

To be less awkward, stop trying to be smooth and start being a little more curious. Ask a follow-up question, say the slightly embarrassing thing out loud, and let a pause be a pause. Most of what feels awkward on the inside barely shows on the outside.

You know the moments. You wave at someone who was waving at the person behind you. You say “you too” when the waiter says “enjoy your meal.” Your brain replays it at 2 a.m. for the next three years. This guide is for that. If the real problem is feeling nervous around people in general, start with how to stop being shy. This one is about the awkward stuff that happens even to confident people.

Are you actually awkward, or does it just feel that way?

Probably the second one. Researchers who study this have a name for it: the liking gap. In a study described by the Association for Psychological Science, pairs of people who had never met talked for five minutes using icebreaker questions. Afterward, people tended to underestimate how much their partner liked them. On average, people rated themselves as liking their partner more than they believed the partner liked them. Both people can’t be right about that, so the authors read it as a systematic error in how we judge how others see us.

The researchers’ explanation: video of the conversations suggested people weren’t picking up on their partner’s signs of interest, and they believed the moments that shaped their partner’s opinion of them were more negative than the moments that shaped their own opinion of the partner. One of the authors said people are “too wrapped up in their own worries” to notice signs of being liked. The gap also showed up with college roommates, where it lasted for several months.

That doesn’t mean awkwardness isn’t real. It just means you’re judging yourself with a much harsher camera than anyone else is using.

How do I stop saying weird things?

You’re not going to stop completely, and honestly, you don’t want to. Weird is where the funny stories come from. But a few habits make the blurting happen less:

• Slow down by half a second. A tiny pause before you answer gives your brain time to pick the sentence you meant to say.
• Say less when you’re nervous. Awkward rambles usually happen when we fill silence out of panic. One sentence, then stop.
• Ask a question instead. When you don’t know what to say, “wait, how did you get into that?” is almost always safe.
• Don’t explain the joke. If it didn’t land, “okay, that was funnier in my head” is better than a three-minute defense.

How do I keep a conversation going?

The easiest fix for awkward silences: ask a follow-up. Not a new question, a follow-up to what they just said.

They say: “I went to my cousin’s wedding this weekend.”
Boring reply: “Cool.”
Follow-up reply: “Oh nice, was it big? Did anything go wrong?”

Some more easy ways in:

• Use what’s around you. “Did you finish the reading?” “Have you tried the pizza here?” The weather counts. Small talk is just a warm-up for the real talk.
• Share one thing about yourself, then hand it back. “I’m trying to learn guitar, it’s going badly. Do you play anything?”
• Prepare two stories. One funny thing that happened this week, one thing you’re looking forward to. When your mind goes blank, you’ve got something ready.
• Be okay with silence. A two-second pause feels like a minute when you’re nervous. To the other person, it’s usually just a pause.

Need more ideas for what to say? Try how to make new friends for openers, and questions to ask your best friend for when you’re ready to go deeper.

What to say when an awkward moment happens

The trick is to not act like it didn’t happen. A quick, relaxed line lets everyone move on faster than pretending.

If something you said actually hurt someone, that’s different. A joke isn’t enough. Check out how to apologize to a friend.

What do I do with my hands, and where do I look?

Body language is where a lot of the “I feel awkward” feeling lives. Quick fixes:

• Hands: hold a drink, a pen or your bag strap. Or let them hang. You don’t need to hide them.
• Eye contact: look at the person while they talk and glance away when you think. Staring the whole time is as strange as never looking.
• Posture: shoulders down, feet planted. It makes you feel steadier, and steady comes across as relaxed.
• Greetings: pick one, a wave, a “hi” or a hug if you both want one, and commit to it. Hesitating in the middle is what makes it weird.
• Leaving a conversation: “I’m going to grab a snack, it was great talking to you.” Smile and go. You don’t need an excuse.

Awkward over text and online

Texting has its own awkward zone: leaving someone on read, replying six hours late, a joke that gets no reaction.

• A late reply is normal. “Sorry, just saw this!” and keep going. Don’t write an apology essay.
• If a joke gets no reaction, let it go. Not every message needs a response.
• Reread before sending anything to someone you like. For crush texts, see what to text your crush.

How to stop replaying the awkward thing

Here’s what helps at 2 a.m.:

1. Ask what the worst realistic outcome is. Usually it’s “they thought it was weird for five seconds.”
2. Tell the story to a friend as a funny story. Once you’ve said it out loud, it shrinks.
3. Remember the liking gap. They probably liked you more than you think they did.
4. Move on with something physical. Take a shower, walk your dog, change the song.

If your brain just won’t let go of things, how to stop overthinking has more.

Is being awkward a bad thing?

No. Awkward often means you care, you’re a little unpolished, and you’re still figuring out how to be a person. The people who seem effortlessly smooth have usually just gotten comfortable with their own awkward moments. They’ve had plenty. They’ve just stopped treating them like disasters.

Let yourself be a little weird out loud. It’s more fun, and people tend to relax around someone who isn’t pretending.

Questions people ask