How to Make New Friends at School When Everyone Already Has a Group

It can feel like everyone already has their people: the lunch tables are set, the group chats exist, and you’re standing there with your tray. Making new friends at school when groups have already formed is hard. It’s also completely doable, and it usually doesn’t happen in one brave moment. It happens through lots of small, boring repeats.

Why making friends takes longer than you think

A University of Kansas researcher, Jeffrey Hall, studied how much time it takes to make a friend. His 2018 study found it takes roughly 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend, about 90 hours to become real friends, and more than 200 hours to become close friends.

Two things from that study matter for you:

• It’s normal for it to take weeks. If you’ve talked to someone three times and you’re not best friends yet, nothing is wrong with you.
• The kind of time counts. Hall found that hanging out, joking around and playing games counted much more than time spent working side by side. Sitting next to someone in class all year isn’t the same as one afternoon of actually hanging out.

How to make new friends at school

1. Show up in the same place, again and again

Pick one or two places where the same people go every week: a club, a sports team, the library at lunch, band, a volunteer group. Friendships grow out of seeing the same faces until saying hi feels natural. A different event every week makes that harder.

2. Start with people who are on the edges

A tight group of six is hard to break into. One or two people sitting together, someone new, the person who’s always early to class: they’re often just as open to a new friend as you are.

3. Comment on what you share

You don’t need a clever opener. Something about the class, the club, the game or what they’re wearing works: “Did you get what she meant by question 4?” or “Wait, you like that show too?”

4. Ask follow-up questions

The second question is where a conversation becomes a connection. If they say they play volleyball, ask what position, or how long they’ve been playing. Then remember it and bring it up next time.

5. Move it out of class

This is the step most people skip, and it’s the one that turns classmates into friends. Suggest something small and specific with an easy out:

If they say no, it usually means they’re busy, not that they don’t like you. Try once more another time. If it’s a no twice, put your energy into someone else.

6. Follow up after

Send a meme about something you talked about, or “that was fun, we should do it again.” It tells them you want more of this.

7. Be the one who invites

Lots of people are waiting for someone else to make the plan. If you’re the inviter, you get to choose who’s there. Our list of things to do with friends has easy ideas.

What to talk about once you’re hanging out

Lean on easy topics: shows, music, the weirdest teacher you’ve had, what you’d do with a free day. Our would you rather questions are good when a conversation stalls, and these questions to ask your best friend work for getting to know someone too.

What makes it harder

• Waiting to be invited. Most people are as nervous as you are.
• Only trying with the most popular group. Look for people you actually have something in common with.
• Turning down every invite because it’s not the perfect plan. Say yes to the imperfect ones.
• Trying too hard to fit in. The friends you make by pretending are friends with the pretend version.

If you’re lonely right now

Feeling lonely while you build new friendships is normal, and it often gets better once you have one person to sit with. If it’s lasting for weeks, you’ve stopped wanting to do things, or school feels unbearable, talk to a parent or your school counselor. Counselors help students find their place all the time. Here’s more on what to do when you feel like you have no friends or your friend group leaves you out.

Questions people ask