Red Flags in a Relationship People Your Age Miss
The warning signs experts list first, 12 quieter red flags that are easy to explain away, how to tell them from normal relationship stuff, and who to talk to.
In this guide
Some red flags are obvious. Nobody needs an article to know that hitting is not okay. The ones people your age miss are quieter: a “joke” that stings, a partner who always needs to know where you are, a fight that somehow ends with you apologizing every time.
They’re also more common than most people think. In the CDC’s 2021 national survey, about 1 in 12 high school students who dated had experienced physical dating violence, and about 1 in 10 had experienced sexual dating violence. Most of those relationships didn’t start with that. They started with smaller red flags that were easy to explain away.
The red flags experts list first
Love Is Respect, the national helpline for young people’s relationships, lists these as common warning signs of abuse from a partner:
- Checking your phone, email or social media without your permission
- Putting you down a lot, especially in front of other people
- Keeping you away from friends or family
- Extreme jealousy or insecurity
- Explosive outbursts, temper or mood swings
- Any kind of physical harm
- Possessive or controlling behavior
- Pressuring or forcing you into sex
Love Is Respect explains that all of these come down to the same thing: one person trying to get power and control over the other.
12 red flags people your age often miss
Control that looks like caring
1. They need to know where you are all the time. Location sharing “just to be safe,” constant check-in texts, getting upset when you don’t answer fast enough.
2. They want your passwords. “If you have nothing to hide, why not?” is pressure, not trust.
3. They have opinions about your clothes, your friends or your plans, and they sulk until you change them.
4. Their jealousy is a compliment, supposedly. “I just love you so much I can’t help it.” Feeling jealous happens. Making you responsible for it is control.
Put-downs dressed up as jokes
5. They tease you in a way that hurts, then call you sensitive when you say so.
6. They embarrass you in front of friends, or bring up something private to get a laugh.
7. You feel worse about yourself than before you met them. Your looks, your grades, your friends. Slowly, nothing is good enough.
Pressure
8. They push after you’ve said no. To a plan, a photo, anything physical. Asking again and again until you give in isn’t asking.
9. They ask for photos you don’t want to send, or share ones you sent without asking you. The CDC counts sharing sexual images without consent as sexual violence.
10. They want the relationship kept secret, especially if they’re a lot older than you. A secret relationship with an older person is a big red flag, even if they’re really nice to you.
How fights go
11. Every argument ends with you apologizing, even when they did the thing you were upset about.
12. You’re scared of how they’ll react. You plan what to say, check their mood first or hide things to avoid a blowup. That feeling of walking on eggshells is the red flag, whatever they’ve actually done so far.
Red flags vs. normal relationship stuff
Not every bad day is a red flag. Couples disagree, people get grumpy, and one awkward moment doesn’t mean someone is dangerous. What matters is the pattern and how you feel around them.
- They get disappointed when you’re busy, then say “have fun”
- They tell you when something bothers them
- They apologize and change what they did
- They like your friends, or at least try
- They take “no” the first time
- They get angry or guilt-trip you when you’re busy
- They go silent or punish you until you guess what’s wrong
- They apologize, then do the same thing again and again
- They make you choose between them and your friends
- They keep asking until you say yes
For the opposite list, see the green flags that matter more than height.
What to do if you’re seeing red flags
- Trust the feeling. If you keep explaining their behavior to your friends, or you hide parts of the relationship from people who care about you, something is off.
- Tell one person. A friend, a parent, a school counselor, a coach. You don’t need proof or a plan first.
- Talk it through confidentially. Love Is Respect is free and open 24/7: call 1-866-331-9474, text LOVEIS to 22522, or chat on their site. You don’t have to be sure it’s abuse to reach out.
- If you decide to end it and you’re worried about how they’ll react, tell an adult first, and don’t do it alone somewhere private. A breakup over text or a call is fine when safety is the issue.
- If you’re in danger right now, call 911.
Not sure what you even are to each other? Start with what a situationship is. Already out of it? Here’s how to get over a breakup. And friends can show red flags too: here are the signs of a toxic friend.
