How to Get a Boyfriend (Without Games or Pressure)

You get a boyfriend the same way you get a good friend: you spend time around people, you get to know someone you like, and at some point one of you says it out loud. There’s no trick. There’s also no deadline.

If you’re wondering how to get a boyfriend, you’re asking a totally normal question. Wanting to be close to someone is human, and it’s okay to want it. This guide covers the big picture, from figuring out what you want to taking it slow once it starts. (If you like girls instead, almost all of this works the same way.)

First: you don’t need a boyfriend

This isn’t a cheesy line. It’s the thing that makes everything else easier.

When you need a boyfriend, you start picking whoever shows interest, ignoring things that bug you, and feeling behind when friends pair up. When you want one, you can be picky in a good way. You can wait for someone you actually like talking to.

A few reminders:

• Plenty of people have their first relationship at 14, plenty at 18, plenty later. There is no “normal” age.
• A boyfriend won’t fix feeling lonely, insecure or bored. Good friends and a life you like do that.
• Being single is not a problem you have to solve.

Feeling solid on your own first makes everything after this easier.

Know what you’re looking for

Before you look for a boyfriend, spend five minutes on this question: what do I want him to be like? Not “cute” or “popular.” Think about how you want to feel around him.

• Do you want someone who makes you laugh?
• Someone kind to his friends, his family and waiters?
• Someone who’s into the things you love, or at least curious about them?
• Someone who respects it when you say no or “not yet”?

That last one matters most. You can read more in our list of green flags in a guy.

Be where people are (and be yourself there)

You can’t meet people from your bedroom. But you don’t need to go anywhere fancy either. The best places to meet someone are ones where you’re already doing something you like:

• Clubs and teams. Robotics, art club, theater, running, volleyball, yearbook. You get to see how people act over time, not just on one awkward day.
• Group hangouts. Football games, school events, a friend’s get-together. Groups are lower pressure than one-on-one.
• Friends of friends. A lot of couples start with a mutual friend. It also means someone can tell you if he’s a decent person.
• Volunteering, church or community groups. Same people every week, easy conversation starters.

Be careful with meeting people only online. If you chat with someone you haven’t met in real life, keep personal details private, never send photos you wouldn’t want shared, and tell a parent or trusted adult if someone older than you shows romantic interest. Someone who rushes you or asks you to keep secrets is not a good sign.

Start with being friends

This is the most reliable path, and it’s less scary than it sounds. Friendship gives you something real to build on, because you already know whether you like how he treats people.

How to turn “classmate” into “friend”:

• Talk to him. Ask about something small: the homework, the game, the show he mentioned. Our guide to how to talk to your crush has easy openers.
• Remember what he says. Following up on it (“Did your team win?”) shows you listen.
• Join something he’s in, or sit near him at lunch with friends.
• Keep it normal. Don’t change your personality to match his. If you act like someone else, he’ll end up liking someone who isn’t you.

Show him you’re interested

You don’t have to hide it forever. Being a little clear helps him know he’s welcome to move closer. Do it in ways that feel honest to you:

• Smile, make eye contact and say hi first.
• Say something nice and specific: “That was a really funny answer in class.”
• Start a text conversation about something real, like a class, a game or a show.
• Suggest a group plan and include him.

Not sure if he feels the same? Look for clues like him starting conversations, remembering what you said and finding reasons to be around you. Clues aren’t guarantees, though.

Ask him out (yes, you can)

If you’ve talked for a while and you think there’s something there, you can be the one to ask. It feels huge, but it can be one sentence and a specific plan. For the exact words in person or over text, see how to ask someone out.

The short version:

Pick a public place and a short plan, like food, a walk or a group activity. Our list of cute date ideas for teens has plenty. And if he says no, say “Okay, no worries” and mean it. A no hurts, but it’s not a ruling on your worth. It just means it wasn’t a match, and now you know.

Take it slow, and talk to your parents

If he says yes, you don’t have to figure everything out at once. Here’s what a healthy start looks like:

• Go at your pace. You choose how fast things move, and a good guy will go at your speed.
• Know your family’s rules. Lots of parents have rules about dating, curfews or who you can be alone with. Ask what they are before the date, not after. It’s way easier to have an honest talk early than to get caught. If you need help starting that talk, read how to convince your parents.
• Meet in public or in groups, especially at first.
• Tell someone where you’re going and who you’re with.
• Keep your friends. Don’t ditch them for a guy. If it ends, they’re who you’ll want.

Pay attention to how you feel around him. You should feel more like yourself, not less. The CDC points out that teens often think behaviors like teasing and name-calling are a “normal” part of a relationship, but they can become abusive. If he puts you down, pressures you, checks your phone, gets angry when you spend time with friends or makes you feel scared, those aren’t normal. Read red flags in a relationship and talk to someone you trust.

Why hasn’t it happened yet? (and what to do while you wait)

If it feels like everyone else has someone, remember that people tend to post and talk about the good parts. What you see isn’t what’s actually happening in most of those relationships.

While you wait, use the time:

• Do things you love, because that’s where interesting people show up.
• Put effort into your friendships.
• Try something new: a club, a class, a team, a volunteer gig.
• Work on feeling comfortable talking to people. Start with small chats, like saying hi first.

A relationship that starts when you’re ready and happy will be better than one that starts because you were tired of waiting.

Questions people ask