My Best Friend Likes My Crush. What Do I Do?
Your best friend likes your crush. Talk to her first, set ground rules, and decide what is worth keeping. Scripts for what to say included.
In this guide
I just found out my best friend likes the same person I do. I don't want to lose her, but I really like him too. What do I do?
Talk to her before either of you makes a move. That is the whole answer in one line. Secrets and surprises wreck friendships over a crush, not the crush itself. Everything else is how to say it and what to do depending on what happens.
This is one of the most awkward situations in high school, and it happens all the time. You like someone. Your best friend likes them too. Now every conversation about him feels like a minefield. Here is how to handle it without losing her or yourself.
What to do when your best friend likes your crush
Start by slowing down. Do not text him, do not announce anything and do not tell anyone else. Nobody owns a crush. You both have the right to like him, and neither of you “called it” first in a way that decides anything.
Then ask yourself two honest questions. How much do you actually like him, and how much is this about not wanting her to get something you want? And what do you want your friendship to look like a month from now? Your answers tell you whether you are fighting for him or fighting for being heard.
How do you talk to her about it?
Pick a private moment, in person or a call if you can. Lead with the friendship, not the guy.
Listen to her answer without fixing it right away. It is fine if neither of you has a plan yet. The goal of this first talk is that nobody is hiding anything.
What if she knew I liked him?
That stings, and it is different. If she knew you liked him and went for him anyway, you are allowed to be hurt. But do not start with an accusation. You may only have part of the story: she might have developed feelings after you talked, or she might have been afraid to tell you.
Listen to what she says. A one-time mistake she owns up to is something you can get past. If she keeps hiding things, goes behind your back or makes fun of your feelings, that is a bigger problem than the crush. Check signs of a fake friend and signs of a toxic friend for the pattern.
Ground rules that work
There is no single right answer, but a few that work for a lot of friends:
- Nobody goes behind the other’s back. If one of you is going to ask him out, the other hears it first.
- No competing for him in front of each other. No flirting contests.
- No talking badly about each other to him.
- Whatever happens, you check in. “Are we okay?” goes a long way.
Some friends decide that neither of them will go for it. That is an option, but only if you both truly agree. Resentment you swallowed tends to come out later.
What if he likes her back, or picks you?
He gets a vote. He might like one of you, both of you as friends, or neither of you, and you two cannot decide that between yourselves. Wondering where you stand? Read the signs a guy likes you or take the does my crush like me quiz. You can also just talk to your crush like a normal person, as long as you and your friend have talked first.
If he picks her: it is going to hurt, maybe a lot. KidsHealth says to acknowledge the hurt instead of pretending it is not painful, and that rejection can hurt a lot but it is not the end of the world. You are allowed to need some space and to tell her kindly: “I am happy for you, I just need a little time.” Then lean on other friends. Here is how to get over a crush.
If he picks you: be kind about it. Do not post about it right away, do not make her the third wheel, and keep making time for just the two of you.
When is a crush not worth losing a friend over?
Most of the time. Crushes come and go a lot in high school, and a best friend who has been there for years is rarer. But that does not mean you should shrink your feelings to keep the peace. A good friendship can handle “I like him too” and “that hurt.”
It is worth stepping back from the crush if the fight over him is turning you into people you do not like, if he is enjoying the attention, or if the friendship is the first thing you are losing. It is worth standing your ground if she is the one breaking the agreement. Either way, if the friendship takes a hit, how to get through a friendship breakup and how to apologize to a friend are there for you.
