How to Be More Confident (Even If You Don’t Feel It Yet)

To be more confident, you don’t wait until you feel ready. You do small things that are just outside your comfort zone, talk to yourself the way you’d talk to a friend, and let your skills build up proof that you can handle stuff. The feeling follows the doing, not the other way around.

That’s good news if you’re the girl who rehearses a sentence five times before saying it, or who knows the answer and doesn’t raise her hand. Confidence isn’t a personality type that some people were born with. It’s something you can grow, and this guide shows you how.

What confidence actually is

KidsHealth defines confidence as feeling sure of yourself and your abilities, “not in an arrogant way, but in a realistic, secure way.” It isn’t about feeling better than anyone. It’s knowing you can rely on your skills and strengths to handle what comes up.

KidsHealth also says confidence helps you try again when things don’t work out the first time, and that confident people tend to think “I can” instead of “I can’t.” And here’s the part that matters most: confidence levels go up and down for everyone, even people who seem to have it all figured out. So if yours dips, nothing is broken.

How to be more confident: 8 things that work

1. Talk to yourself like you’d talk to a friend

The voice in your head does a lot of work. KidsHealth suggests writing down what you say to yourself for a few days, then reading the list and asking, “Would I say this to a good friend?” If not, rewrite it so it’s true, fair and kind.

Their example: instead of “Missing those questions on the test was so stupid,” try “Maybe I can try a different study technique, like flash cards, and do better next time.” Same situation, completely different feeling.

2. Take one small, safe risk a week

KidsHealth recommends picking something just beyond your normal comfort zone, something you’d do if only you had more confidence, and giving yourself a little push. Its examples: raise your hand in class more often, volunteer to help with a project, sign up for a school committee or try out for a team or talent show. Then pick something else and repeat. As KidsHealth puts it, confidence grows with every step forward.

Keep the first risks tiny. Ask a question in class. Compliment someone’s shoes. Order your own food. You’re collecting evidence that you survive these things.

3. Prepare, so you’re not just hoping

A lot of confidence is just being ready. KidsHealth says that if you’ve been keeping up with class work all along, you’ll feel more confident on tests and finals, and calls steady work the best defense against test anxiety and school stress. Here’s how to study for a test without panicking the night before.

4. Practice speaking up

KidsHealth describes assertiveness as being able to speak up for yourself in a way that is honest and respectful: giving your opinion, asking for what you need, disagreeing politely and saying no without guilt. It’s a skill, and they suggest practicing on small stuff first.

• Notice when you say “I don’t know” or “I don’t care” and you actually do have a preference.
• Answer “green or red?” with “I’d prefer the green one.”
• Ask for small things: “Can you save me a seat?”
• Use “I” statements: “I’d like…”, “I prefer…”, “I feel…”

5. Compare yourself kindly

KidsHealth says it’s natural to compare yourself with other people, and that it can help you work out what qualities you admire. But if comparing leaves you feeling bad about yourself most of the time, it’s a sign to work on your confidence. Mute the accounts that make you feel behind, and read how to stop comparing yourself to others for what to do instead.

6. Lean into what you’re already good at

We get told to fix our weaknesses. KidsHealth says that’s sometimes important, like bringing up a bad grade, but not to let it stop you from getting even better at the things you’re good at. Spend real time on the thing you’re good at. Competence is what confidence is built from.

7. Let people see the real you

KidsHealth’s advice is to let others see you for who you are, “mistakes, insecurities, and all,” and to embrace your quirks instead of copying someone else. It says insecurities are easier to move past when you don’t feel like you have to hide them. It’s scary the first few times. It also makes it easier to find friends you can actually be yourself with, which KidsHealth lists as a self-esteem booster. If it’s feeling like a lot right now, our guide to how to stop feeling insecure goes deeper.

8. Say “thank you” to compliments

When someone compliments you, KidsHealth says to answer “thank you” instead of not believing what’s being said. Don’t wave it off or point out a flaw. Just “thank you.” It feels awkward at first.

Do you have to fake it?

You don’t have to pretend to feel confident, and you shouldn’t pretend to be someone else. What helps is acting before you feel ready, then letting your results change how you feel. According to KidsHealth, the best way to believe you’re capable is to use your skills and talents by learning and practicing, and when you see what you can do and take pride in it, your confidence gets stronger.

So skip the fake-it-till-you-make-it pressure. Try the real thing in a small version, and notice what happened.

What to do when your confidence takes a hit

You’ll bomb a presentation, say something awkward, or get left off a group chat. KidsHealth advises showing yourself understanding instead of criticizing yourself, learning from what happened and thinking about what you could do differently next time. Then talk about it with someone who cares, remind yourself of your strengths and get back in the game.

If the thing that rattled you is shyness, there’s a guide for that. And if you spend a lot of energy worrying about what other people think, read how to stop caring what people think.

When low confidence is a sign you need support

Sometimes it isn’t just confidence. KidsHealth says body image or self-esteem problems can be too much to handle alone, that health issues, depression or trauma can affect how you feel about yourself, and that these feelings can get better with help and care. It recommends telling a parent, doctor or therapist.

The National Institute of Mental Health says to seek professional help for severe or distressing symptoms that last 2 weeks or more, like difficulty sleeping, trouble concentrating or losing interest in things you usually enjoy. If that’s you, you’re not “bad at confidence.” Talk to a parent, a school counselor or your doctor. Here’s how to tell your parents you want to talk to someone.

Questions people ask