Your Parents Are Getting Divorced. What Helps
Whatever you're feeling is normal, it's not your fault and you don't have to take sides. What changes, what you can ask for and what actually helps.
In this guide
Maybe you saw it coming after months of fighting. Maybe it came out of nowhere. Either way, your parents are getting divorced, and everything that felt normal is suddenly up in the air.
There’s no right way to feel about it. Here’s what a lot of teens go through, what you can ask for and what actually helps.
Whatever you’re feeling is normal
KidsHealth says teens whose parents are divorcing may feel stressed out, angry, frustrated or sad. Some feel relief, especially if there was a lot of tension at home. Many people feel several of these at once, or switch between them in the same day.
Feeling relieved doesn’t make you a bad kid. Feeling furious doesn’t either. Feelings aren’t votes for one parent or the other.
It’s not your fault
This one is worth reading twice. KidsHealth puts it simply: it’s not your fault, and you’re not to blame. Divorce comes from things between your parents, adult decisions and adult problems. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused it, and nothing you do can fix it.
You don’t have to take sides
KidsHealth is clear on this too: you don’t have to take sides. You’re allowed to love both parents, even if one of them hurt the other.
Some things you can say if you feel stuck in the middle:
What will change (and what you can ask for)
Divorce can mean moving, changing schools or splitting time between two homes. Later it can also mean a stepparent and step siblings. You might not get to decide everything, but you’re old enough to have a say in a lot of it. Things worth asking about:
- Where you’ll live, and how the schedule between homes will work.
- Whether you can stay at your school.
- How you’ll get to practice, work or your friends’ houses from each home.
- Keeping important things, like a pet or your own room, in at least one place.
- Having your own stuff at both homes, so you’re not packing a bag every few days.
KidsHealth suggests bringing things up when everyone is calm, not in the middle of an argument. If talking is too hard, write your parents a letter.
What helps
- Talk to someone. KidsHealth suggests a trusted adult, like a teacher, therapist, school counselor or religious leader. Friends whose parents divorced can get it in a way others can’t.
- Keep your routines. School, practice, your friends, your shows. Things that stay the same help when everything else changes.
- Take care of your body. Eating, sleeping and moving help more than they seem to when you’re stressed.
- Write it out. Try these journal prompts for when your head is too loud.
- Have a plan for bad moments. Our list of coping skills for bad days is a good place to start.
When it’s more than sad
It’s normal to have a hard time for a while. But talk to a school counselor, doctor or therapist if you feel down most days, stop caring about things you used to love, can’t sleep or eat normally, or start skipping school. If you want to ask your parents for a therapist, here’s how to bring it up.
And if things at home ever feel unsafe, or someone is hurting you, reach out:
